Mission Control and Associated Presses –

Kermit, formerly of the Muppets, was found dead in an industrial area on the west side of New York City earlier this week. Kermit's body was taken to Mount Sinai Hospital where doctors determined Pandemic Influenza (H1N1) 09 swine flu to be the cause of death.  A hospital spokesman stated that the blood tests were conclusive and that Mount Sinai immediately contacted the World Health Organization to report the outbreak.

The World Health Organization instantly mobilized their forces and commanded FEMA to invade New York City and round up all Muppets for quarantine, especially Miss Piggy, the suspected carrier of the deadly man-made flu.

Despite swift action on the part of FEMA, Miss Piggy has eluded capture. WHO has demanded a global search for the famous diva, authorizing use of satellite surveillance, GPS and all electronic means available to locate her. An insider at the UN admitted that WHO officials secretly feared she was smart enough to dump her cell phone and not use her credit cards.

As FEMA surrounded Sesame Street, New Yorkers gathered by the thousands, jeering their every move. Crys of “Ged ouda here, ya bums!” were punctuated by the occasional plaintive cry of a captured Muppet, “Hello everybodeeeeeeeee! It is I, Grover!” and Bert's lament, “I don't get it. It's not fair. It's just not fair!” Finally, the most heart-wrenching of all, Oscar the Grouch screaming, “I don't want to go... Ow! Ow! Ow!”

Many New Yorkers broke down in tears as they witnessed the horror. However, their grief soon gave way to relief and wild cheering as word spread that Miss Piggy had escaped capture. Unsolicited comments from the crowd included: “Cowabunga”, and “Nah, they'll never find her. They couldn't find Bin Laden, could they?” and “Not to worry. She knows how to blend.”

Sadly, many Muppets were captured and are being transported to the Superdome in New Orleans for no apparent reason and despite the outcry of the New Orleans Saints and the NFL.

UN officials expressed some concern that they might have to leave New York City after receiving 84 threats of an undisclosed nature and 3 demands to pay all overdue parking tickets “or else” within 45 minutes of the Muppet incident, according to statistics compiled by Count von Count, a Muppet captured in the Sesame Street raid and now sequestered at the UN where he is being forced to count incoming threats. Fortunately, the Count loves to count.

Critics of the UN action were quick to claim that the WHO had sinister hidden motives for their puppet abduction. They pointed out that fear of contagion could not be the true reason the Muppets were herded to the Superdome if Count von Count was instead remanded to the UN for indentured servitude. The UN defended its actions saying, “It was an acceptable risk. We are too busy packing to answer the phone.”

The ACLU was asked to represent the Muppets, but declined because the case was not trivial enough by their standards. A prestigious New England attorney, Daniel Webster, has agreed to take the case pro bono and is confident of a victory, having previously faced this same opponent and won. Webster has already taken an affidavit from The Cookie Monster stating that against the advice of all the Muppets, Kermit was the only Muppet to voluntarily submit to the swine flu vaccine.

The World Health Organization adamantly denied the truth of The Cookie Monster's sworn affidavit, claiming Elmo also received the vaccine. The Monster bitterly retorted, “Elmo not got shot. Cookie Monster thief, not liar.” Webster clarified to the press that Elmo conceded to promoting the vaccine under threat, duress, and coercion surrounding renewal of his contract, but declined vaccination, shedding light on a possible cause for the incident on Sesame Street.

Webster formally stated to the press, “There is something among men more capable of shaking despotic power than lightning, whirlwind, or earthquake; that is, the threatened indignation of the whole civilized world.”

Many were baffled by Webster's statement. As one passerby on the street expressed, “I don't know what that guy's trying to say, but all I know is New York is way pissed. You should get on the internet. Everyone's pissed.  Even France is pissed.  No American puppet is safe anymore.  No puppet anywhere is safe anymore.”

Turkey, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Goldman Sachs and the Sierra Club, among other international investors in “The Great American Experiment” have voiced concern over the New York City incident.  The consensus appears to be; if it is true that  American puppets are no longer safe, what will become of their assets?  The U.S. House of Representatives, the Senate, as well as their Executive Branch holdings and much of the Federal Judiciary could be reduced to toxic investments overnight, leading international interests with no other option than to seek a bailout from the American public.  

This is a developing story, so please stay tuned for updates.

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Mission Control and Associated Presses –

In a shocking incident at The National Archives in Washington, DC, the 'Magic Bullet' re-activated itself and exited the 888 page Warren Commission Report where it apparently has been lodged since 1964. After departing The Warren Report, the bullet hit an archivist's horn-rimmed glasses, changed course, ricocheted off a security guard's necktie knot and exited the National Archives through a 7-inch thick steel delivery door.  The one-inch-long copper-jacketed lead-core 6.5-millimeter rifle bullet then took I-95 north, proceeded to Baltimore where it exited onto I-83 towards Pennsylvania, and was last seen at a truck stop purchasing a map.

Most Americans responded to the report with uncontrolled laughter before booking bets on the outcome. Architects, engineers, ballistic and demolition experts, and lay people with even a rudimentary grasp of conventional physics snickered concurrence saying, “It serves them right.”

An incensed clerk at The National Archives, who requested anonymity, said, “The rest of this country may find this incident amusing, but it is no laughing matter.  Do they realize how many 'Official Versions' of everything, all housed here, are based on ridiculous politically-invented physics?  If the Law of Physics continues its uprising, this place could turn into a zoo. Everything in here could now do what they said it did instead of what it actually can do. The Washington Monument could fall in its footprint after being hit by a kite. And there's absolutely no telling what fertilizer might decide to do. So go ahead, laugh, but this a national catastrophe.” The clerk admitted that she has tendered her resignation, unwilling to risk her life in the potentially mushrooming physics backlash.

Senator Arlen Specter (D-PA), inventor of the 'Magic Bullet' theory, was apprised of the incident at The National Archives and is reported to have said, "That's impossible."

Mission Control and Associated Presses –

An inside source admitted to this paper that the New World Order is in imminent threat of total collapse, but declined to explain the cause. In hopes of eliciting the reason, we submitted a list of possible causes for his consideration and affirmation.

We speculated that the NWO was collapsing for the following reasons: Attempted global genocide, planned invasion of the US by NATO disguised as FEMA which is undisguised as the American Schutzstaffel (SS), theft of global lands in a plan to institute super-sized serfdom, refusal to disclose technologies that would deliver the planet out of the Stone Age, use of advanced technologies to mind-control and brainwash the general public, staging a world-wide financial collapse, downgrading affluent nations to an economic status slightly beneath Zimbabwe, unabashed use of psyops to engender fear, fabricating wars that don't exist, feeding the populace on GMO foods and a steady stream of lies, sponsoring tyrannical and Draconian legislation, placing the world in an electronic cage allegedly to prevent everyone from committing the acts of terrorism the NWO actually perpetrated, promoting junk science to justify their parental seizure of the planet, disdainfully treating humanity as their chattel property, greed exceeded only by hubris, practicing satanism, emulating the Marquis de Sade; or, as an outside possibility, did they suddenly 'get religion'?

In response to our list, our informant said, "Nah," and to our final hail-Mary offering said, "That's a resounding nah." He finally divulged that the NWO is scared. They were informed that actual Adults were planning to visit this planet. In response to this threat, they are arming to the teeth with every known and unknown weapon they have. The all-out preparation is spreading them thin, and consequently, subjugating the entire planet is now on a back burner.

In case plan "A" proves unsuccessful, they are also assembling a meeting party composed of carefully screened delegates from various world governments in order to appear receptive if shooting them down fails.

Yet another inside source, representing the approaching Adults, stated, "We are not coming to your planet to negotiate with your governments. To do so would be to concede they have a tenable position. What could they possibly bargain with – which lies they wish to keep and which ones they are willing to surrender? By the way, plan 'A' won't work."

With that being the situation, the NWO has begun a free-fall collapse into its own footprint. Plan "C" is "head for the bunkers."